Let’s talk breakups (nervous system style)

Breakups suck.

Yeah, I said it. If you were expecting “Oh, it’s just a blessing in disguise!” I am here to tell you, simply:

Breakups are what you make them.

I’m just here to give the info on what happens in your body during it. I might drop my two cents in from time to time, but what you decide to do with this information I will leave to you.

Let’s get started, shall we?

If you know me at all, you know I talk emotion. Emotions are physical charges in the brain, not something you’re pretending at. So the anger, the sadness, the grief you’re experiencing during a breakup—it’s actually happening in your body, babe. You’re not just being dramatic and making sh*t up.

You build neural connections with people. Your brain lights up when you see someone you love. The brain associates that connection with someone who is safe, who has your back, who cares about you.
When that person is gone, the circuits are still there. You pick up your phone, the habit is that they text you in the morning, right?—But your phone doesn’t light up beyond a spammy email. The cycle you’re used to doesn’t complete, the safety your brain associated this person with is gone, and that is the experience we have labeled as “grief.”

Beyond that, the nervous system equates social rejection to danger. To pain. If you don’t have that safety, if you don’t have that tribe, you’re on your own, kid. And beyond that being terrifying, the nervous system understands that this doesn’t have our survival’s best interests, so we try to fit in at any cost.

When someone tells you, “Hey, this isn’t working out because of the way you are”—Like, ouch. On multiple levels.

Or when you tell someone, “I’m understanding I’m walking away from something my brain wants me to keep around because I’m unhappy here despite that,” like that’s actually incredibly brave.

But my world lies in the realm of psychosomatics, so let’s dive in there.

In psychosomatics, the heart space is correlated with the connection we have to people around us, in building relationships to others (not just our parents, but in society as well). This starts developing around the age most of us attend school for the first time. If we had some wounds around this time of our lives, ie., lack of nurture with our parents, bullying in school, divorce, or death, we learn that connection might be associated with pain.

The nervous system works in patterns, because this saves us time and energy. It’s why you space out when driving the same route from work every day. It’s why you take that same route every day, and why new habits can be a challenge to make. So when we learn from early experiences that connection=pain, we recreate these patterns subconsciously because:

1) We believe that this is what love is supposed to look/feel like, the same way we’ve associated the color purple with being purple, and—

2) By forming habits and patterns it saves us much needed energy our bodies can use for many other things

Alas, in relationships, this can look like:

• Dating people who are emotionally unavailable the same way your caregivers were, or as I love to say, “Emotionally Constipated”

• Dating people who have similar qualities/characteristics to a parent

• Starting fights in order to relive what your childhood home felt like

• Speaking in the language your parents did to you to your partner (“You’re just too sensitive, it’s not that big a deal. You’re making something out of nothing. Don’t cry.”—Hint, you most likely use this language towards yourself, too)

• Feeling incredibly anxious in relationships because of the dynamics you witnessed/experienced while young, therefore clinging on to your partner and not giving them space to breathe out of fear if you let them go, they won’t choose to stay

• Showing up avoidant and apathetic (if I wall off my heart, it hurts less)

• Staying even when the other person doesn’t have the same values as you, because again, love=pain

This can show up incredibly insidious, by the way. And I mean the meta stuff like this scenario as an example:

Person A 🔸 learned in childhood that they receive love only through providing something. People don’t want them unless they’re able to take from them. AKA=I’m not loved simply for being. I don’t have worth unless I’m doing.

Person B 🔹 learned that they receive love through sacrificing boundaries. “I’m fine” when they’re really not. Doormat behavior, putting aside their own needs to become a savior for others, nurturing another person’s wounds while neglecting their own, you get the picture.

Person A 🔸 provides so much generosity and affection for Person B 🔹. Grand gestures, acts of service, they typically love being seen for how much they give.

Person B 🔹 feels valued for the first time. They feel spoiled and almost overwhelmed with love. An overabundance of nurture and “You’re wonderful just the way you are!” speech is then returned to Person A 🔸. They push aside commitments and create lots of space and time to return the love they’re receiving. Person A 🔸 feels on top of the world, exclaiming, “I’m finally seen and valued, not just for what I do, but for who I am!”

An explosive love ensues!

But, overtime, the wounds from childhood start to surface.

Person A 🔸 creates scenarios in which they won’t be valued unless they provide. They set a hefty standard that Person B 🔹 now expects. When Person A 🔸 stops performing, Person B 🔹 feels they were led on with a lie. Person A 🔸 thinks, “See? I am only loved unless I provide.”

Person B 🔹 nurtures, and nurtures, and nurtures. Puts Person A 🔸 first in every way possible. But, Person B 🔹 starts to get resentful. When Person B 🔹 starts implementing their boundaries a ways into the relationship, Person A’s 🔸 head snaps back, hurt. “But you like this. You like that I’m taking up this space, you’ve told me that!” Person B 🔹 thinks, “See? I’m not allowed to take up space in a relationship.”

Person A 🔸 and Person B 🔹 both have recreated their childhoods subconsciously and hold blame over the other individual.

I have seen and experienced this countless times. Because these types are typically attracted to each other, since they make the recreation very easy to take place.

The breakup happens, the pattern gets solidified, your brain gets to prove itself right (it loves that sh*t), and you tell yourself you’re going to date someone who really loves you next time.

I hate to break it to you, but this pattern takes time to unwind and put something new in its place. And it doesn’t come without some close looks at yourself and your childhood.

But it is possible. Read on.

You have got to meet that little kid in you, dude.

Look, your parents probably fucked up. A lot. Your friends in school might have done some things to really affect your trust in people. Past relationships burned and scarred you. All these people just stuck in their own loops.

When that pattern got solidified in your system (most often as children from what I’ve witnessed, but it happens as adults too), you show up as the version of you that existed when these cycles were recreated.

Meaning, when you’re triggered, you’re showing up as that inner 5-year-old who saw mom and dad get divorced. Or whatever your experience was.

Because the loop hasn’t been updated since. And it won’t, until you meet that inner child, and create a new pattern for them. Which typically takes many instances for it to gel in the nervous system.

How do you recreate that pattern, you ask?

Give yourself the damn love you’re asking for.

I mean it.

You’re sad and you need a hug? Give yourself the hug.

You’re Person A 🔸 and you’re tired of having to perform for love? Learn to appreciate yourself before you do anything. Actually, I invite you to take a day off from doing anything at all. And have a conversation with yourself about how good of a f*cking job you’re doing simply by existing.
Because you’re a lovable badass.
If you want to give your hands something to do, make a craft that looks like a toddler did it, and tell yourself it’s a beautiful work of art. Even if it’s “pointless and a waste of time.”
Make this a weekly practice.

You’re Person B 🔹 and you feel like you don’t have space to take up in the relationship? When was the last time you took up space with yourself? Sing a song super loudly while recording yourself and giggle at how adorable you sound. Tell yourself it’s beautiful to hear your voice. Because it truly is beautiful and whoever made you feel self-conscious about taking up space can go touch grass. Maybe yell that at a pillow and pretend it’s that person.
Repeat this process often.

Look, all in all, you can’t ask someone else to reparent your inner child. Because you’re a grown-ass adult now and that little kid lives inside of you. Inside of that heart. Inside of your nervous system.

And they are deeply deserving of love and acceptance. Of the nurture you always craved. And when you tell yourself you can’t have it, you’re simply repeating the same language you’ve received from others towards yourself, and that is going to spread to how you speak to your loved ones, and eventually your own children (if you don’t have them already).

Let the love you’ve always desired start with you. This is what we mean by self-love and inner child work.

It isn’t weak and sappy shit—the people who do this are incredibly brave of heart and are willing to be out of their comfort zone for their greater good, and the good of others.

In time, you grow more compassionate towards yourself. In time, the process gets less and less scary. In time, the new habit is that you speak to yourself with grace, understanding, and a new love that you have free reign to create and design.

You don’t have to stay in the box they put you in.

Break out.

For them.

The little kid that always had a strong brow game. ;)

Nah, all jokes aside—If you took the time to read this, I think you’re ready.

Go love on yourself now. And if you need help creating a space to do that, you know where I am.

Then watch and see that the love you create within yourself will out perform the love you experienced previously. Keep doing this, and in time, you won’t seek out those old relationship patterns.

Meaning, you won’t recreate that loop, because a new loop exists.

It might be bumpy, but it's worth it.