The missing piece you’ve been searching for
Ahhh.
The workshops you’ve attended.
The practices you’ve done alone in your room.
The many courses you’ve purchased.
The therapy sessions you’ve completed.
And still—you keep looking.
Because something feels… missing.
So you tell yourself:
Maybe this next call will fix it.
Maybe this next modality will finally be the thing.
Maybe it’ll fix it.
Fix me, somehow.
I sure have a hell of a lot to say on this.
First off, you have to understand something about the nervous system—just the tiniest dip into Polyvagal Theory.
You have something called the vagus nerve.
It starts up in your brain and travels down your body, regulating safety, connection, and survival.
The nervous system’s job is simple:
detect threat and keep you alive.
That’s where fight, flight, freeze, and fawn come in.
And no, those states aren’t the problem. They’re actually brilliant.
The problem is when your system never gets the signal that it’s safe to leave them.
That signal lives in something called ventral vagal. It’s the state where your body knows:
you belong
you won’t be abandoned
you’re safe to exist as you are
And here is what most of us go through life never fully knowing:
Ventral vagal doesn’t regulate itself, by itself.
Humans didn’t evolve to survive solo, guys. If you didn’t notice, we don’t have claws, fangs, or fur.
We survived in tribes.
Your vagus nerve, this beautiful cranial nerve, has a unique function—it helps us study other people:
facial expressions
tone shifts
emotional cues
It learns:
Who is safe?
Who has the power?
Who do I need to keep happy to stay connected?
Sooooo, we adapt.
We start learning how to people please, to shrink. We learn how to find the Alpha, and adhere to their wants and wishes. Because I mean, fuck our own, if it means we’re still alive at the end of the day, right? That’s genuinely the most important thing.
This starts off with Mom.
Then Dad.
We watch their relationship with each other, our siblings, and so on and so forth, until we’re in school and building relationships of all sorts outside of the home.
And we learn our “place” in society.
So let me ask you, honestly:
In how many of these places do you feel safe to be fully yourself—without the risk of being emotionally exiled?
When I ask this question, I mean the real shit.
Can you:
express anger and be met with understanding?
cry without it being used against you later?
share excitement without being shut down or minimized?
Or do people:
get defensive
project
withdraw
bully
wall you off
If so, your body learned something important:
Expression isn’t safe here.
So it shuts you down.
Not because it’s broken, but because it’s been protecting you.
What’s fucked up isn’t your nervous system.
What’s fucked up is that we’ve normalized living this way.
Every.
Single.
Damn.
Day.
So… what actually changes this, Tor?
Your nervous system is designed to hold emotion.
To express it.
To complete the cycle.
When expression gets suppressed, your body stays stuck in:
”I must still be in danger.”
And when expression that is supposed to help us leads to rejection?
Double whammy, dude.
So the solution isn’t another tool.
It isn’t another method.
It isn’t fixing yourself.
It’s expressing ourselves exactly as we need to—without abandonment.
That’s it.
That’s the missing piece.
Healthy Community:
A space where:
emotions aren’t analyzed or corrected
no one make it about themselves
nothing has to be changed
you’re allowed to feel all the way through
Where expression doesn’t cost you connection.
I created the Women’s Circle (cooler name pending) for this exact reason.
A place where you don’t have to mask.
Where you don’t have to manage anyone else’s comfort.
Where your emotions don’t make you “too much.”
This combo, of full expression + no rejection, is the missing piece I had been searching for, for years.
And once I had it? All the endless searching stopped.
Because at the end of the day, this is what we’ve always wanted, what we’ve all been searching for—since we were little tykes in diapers:
To feel.
To explore.
To express.
Without losing love.
As adults, we can choose differently now.
You don’t have to do this alone anymore.
Come experience acceptance without losing yourself.
Expression without punishment.
Connection without performance.
Get more info here.
Come join us.
Much love.