Good girls don’t take up space: what this does to your body
The amount of women who apologize before anything else can come out of their mouth.
“Sorry, do you mind if—”
“I don’t want to be a burden, I just was hoping—”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it!”
“I don’t care where we eat, whatever you want.”
Truthfully, most of us women were never explicitly told, “don’t take up space,”but we learned it anyway.
“You’re so easy to be around” = “I love that you don’t ask for anything.”
“You’re such a little peace-maker” = “you never rock the boat.”
“You’re such a selfless person” = “you always put me first.”
These compliments sound familiar, ladies?
We became really, really good at disappearing. Smiling when we didn’t want to, mentally checking out and nodding along, putting others first for so long that we stopped knowing what it was we actually wanted in the first place.
Soon, you find yourself saying,
“I just feel so disconnected.”
I mean, I remember a guy I was dating who turned to me at one point and said,
“Do you want me to tell you what it is you want?”
And I enthusiastically told him yes because it meant less self-responsibility and a bigger guarantee that he’d be happy.
If he was happy I was “good.”
If I was good I was safe.
So I’ve been here too, and I get it. I also understand why society shaped women for this role and why we’ve all been picking it up. I understand for many of us, it was for our physical safety.
I also understand why it’s time to set it down.
I’ve said this before, but the body works in patterns.
And every time you swallow your opinion…
Your nervous system goes, “Ayooo, this the pattern now? It’s happened what, 5, 6, 7 times now?”
The body isn’t just reacting to major, acute trauma. It’s also responding to these thousands of tiny moments where it is told again and again:
“My needs aren’t as important.”
We then reflect this pattern everywhere we go, resentment builds, we shove the resentment down, but it’s not going anywhere and—
When is that shaken up bottle of soda gonna burst?
Well, if you don’t do it verbally, your body will for ya. :) I see it on my massage table all the time.
Women holding their breath
Constant coughing or clearing their throats
Shoulders that are basically earrings
Jaw tension and grinding
Headaches
Chronic stomach issues (repressed anger, anyone?)
Pelvic floor issues
To name a few. And those are the minor ones.
And no, it’s not because women are weak-willed and broken.
It’s because they’ve become incredibly skilled at prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over their own, for survival purposes.
The cute thing is, the nervous system doesn’t know the difference, truly, between life/death.
Your brain isn’t keeping score of whether you stayed quiet because your boss interrupted you or because your partner was having a bad day (all adult things), or because if you didn’t hide as a child, you’d actually get hurt.
It just goes:
“I had an impulse. But I suppressed it.”
Repeat that enough times, and eventually your body stops sending the signal as loudly.
Enter the woman who exclaims:
“I don’t even know what I want anymore!”
Your desires are there. You just have been taught to shut them up.
And you’re very good at it by now.
Now, this doesn’t mean you become some ballsy, loudmouth. (You don’t have to become me.)
That’s not what I’m talking about.
The only shift that really needs to start taking place, and it’s small, is:
“I actually don’t want Mexican tonight.”
“I need a slower week.”
“I’d rather stay home.”
“That didn’t feel good to me.”
“No.”
That’s it.
As a child, that may have not been a possibility for you. But as a grown woman, the majority of us have the space and capacity to start choosing new relationships, new jobs, and new environments where this is accepted, and respected.
So what happens if it isn’t?
What if my boyfriend of 3 years doesn’t like it?
Or my mom gets mad?
This where I often tell my clients:
Let them hold their own discomfort.
Stop picking it up for them and complaining about the weight of it. They’re adults. You’re an adult. Discomfort is a part of life. Embrace the discomfort of feeling lighter and how foreign and shameful that feels, and let them grow into themselves a bit more and gain some maturity. Everyone will benefit in the long run.
If you genuinely have reason to be in fear of your safety, that would be a different matter and I would refer you to experts in that area. I’m speaking to the majority of women who are still living their childhoods as adults when they now have the chance to create something different.
The cool thing with this, is if you get to stop carrying the burdens of other people, your body will physically respond to that change.
Moving out of fight/flight.
Deeper breaths.
Shoulders drop.
Smiles and laughs get bigger.
Voices become stronger.
Symptoms decrease.
Fun ensues.
It’s women realizing they don’t have to earn permission to exist.
Know that the body doesn’t just crave relaxation. It craves permission. Even if that permission is simply permission to disappoint others.
This doesn’t mean you stop being kind. It’s just not confusing kindness with fucking disappearing.
You can be compassionate without abandoning yourself.
Because you are also a soul on this planet who deserves compassion, remember? Or did that get missed along the way?
Bottom line, you can stop carrying the entire room for once, love.
You might find that everything relaxes once you put it down.
If this hit you deeply, let’s hop on a call to figure out your unique situation and the exact next steps you can take.